NOwhere or nowHERE...

"me and my buddy are just trying to get somewhere."

this overheard from an intoxicated man asking my brother for spare change last night in downtown vancouver got me thinking. aren't we all just trying to get somewhere? make something of our life? do something that will live on long after we are gone? we are always trying to get somewhere, whether it's a physical place or rather more of a mental state or a certain place in our life. we are rarely content just staying where we are at.

this brings up the idea of arrival. how do we know we've arrived? how will we know when we've come into the life that was planned for us long ago? will it just hit us one day when we are completely happy and realize that we are doing what we were created to do? that all the pieces of our life finally fit together, all the life experiences finally add up and it all just clicks and we realize that this is what we were meant to do? do those moments of clarity ever actually happen?

entering my last year of college is equal parts exciting and terrifying. it's strange to think that after this year, i won't have any more homework to do, no more long hours spent in the library, textbooks to spend hundreds on, professors to meet, classmates to learn from and with. the idea of fall walking hand in hand with the start of a new school year will be no more. up to this point, school has always been the next logical step for me. after graduation in june, where will i go? what will i do? the question is already starting to come from curious and well-intentioned friends and family. oh you're studying spanish and latin american studies... what are you going to do with that?

i have no idea. is that ok? all i know is it's something that i'm passionate about and could stand studying for four years straight without getting sick of it. i know that there are somewhere between 300 and 400 MILLION people who speak Spanish in the world. being able to communicate with them will probably come in handy at some point in my life, either in the US or in some latin american country. why does this question intimidate me so much: if you could do anything with your life, regardless of money, education, or anything, what would you do? in my attempts to be a logical and realistic person, i feel like i've lost my ability to dream. i've squashed my own dreams before they've even had a chance to blossom.

why am i so lonely? want to know what i did today? i picked blackberries, made a cobbler, and went for a hike in the gorge. that's completely normal, right? it was great, no doubt about that. but is it so much to ask for someone to share those adventures and life with? someone, someday will accept me and appreciate me for all my idiosyncracies. i guess all i can do is wait until life brings us together. any time soon would be great... patience never was one of my strengths.

view from angel's rest in the gorge. breathtaking.

oh yes, i'm moving on october 1st to portland. 39th and laurelhurst place. four blocks from laurelhurst park. here's my new house. i cannot wait to live in portland. to be out of my parent's house. and to get to know my roommates. and to explore. and grocery shop. and ride my bike around. and to go to imago dei. and not have an hour commute to school. it will be good. now all i need is a job. i'm still praying that rose's at lloyd center works out. should know by next week. fingers crossed.

summer's in full swing...

wow. so i'm at home and yet, this place doesn't feel like home at all. tensions abound and all the stress that i've conveniently put out of my mind came rushing back within five minutes of pulling into vancouver. this weekend, i got to come home and visit the familia and it was the first time we've all been together in a year and a half. it's amazing to me how much has changed in that time period. how we've all grown closer together, but much more separately. i guess it hit me that i'm actually growing up. i got to meet my neice emily anne for the first time, even though she's nearly 1 year old. i guess that's what her living in africa translates to. she is such a cutie and i cherished this weekend and being able to do normal aunt things with her like pushing her around in the stroller or playing peekaboo. i guess all i can do for now is try to thoroughly enjoy the time i do get to spend with her, as erin's not planning on moving home anytime soon, sadly.


oh yes and the other little munchkin in my life. patrick james. he's three and my how he's grown since the last time i saw him.

my sister's here and it's not been as awkard as i was thinking it would be. you know, when an older sister lives in another country, it's not exactly easy to have a normal sister relationship, especially when power is sporadic and you're both busy trying to live your own lives well. but those 8 years in between us always seem to be such a minute detail when we're actually together again and i am reminded of what a strong woman she is and why i always looked up to her so much growing up. seeing her as a mother still catches me off guard a little, but i can tell she puts her heart and soul into these two. oh yeah and everyone says we look exactly alike. i think she's beautiful, so i wouldn't mind looking like her, but you decide...

i'm off to lebanon again tomorrow for week three of camp tadmor and i'm antsy to get back to it. things are going well so far. i'm so thankful that i'm back there this summer and have never before felt so at peace with anything that i'm doing. i really feel like i am myself there and the woman who God created me to be. the theme is Tadrome and we're talking a lot about how the kingdom of God is colliding with the kingdom of the world and what is looks like to live life as a Christian caught in between those two. it's good stuff- tough, but life changing if it is understood. the staff is great this summer- i'm making so many new friends. it's been a little overwhelming constantly being around 60 other people, after living essentially without friends for the last 5 months, but it's so refreshing to live in community again. i'm a bit sick right now, so this week should be interesting- hopefully the sinuses clear up before i pull onto camp miraculously... here's mogli and me. bffs.

casi camp

three more weeks until i leave for camp. on june 10th, i'll be packing up and heading south to lebanon, OR for a summer of crazy adventures, challenges, and children. as much as i want to be there right now, i know i need to put it out of my mind a little bit and just focus hard on finishing up school and finishing up well. i'm so excited that mogli will be there again. i think that's one of the things i'm most excited for- strengthening old friendships and building new ones. all i know, please Lord, no boy distraction this summer... that was just ridiculous last year.

it's funny how through different life circumstances, we begin to realized different things about ourselves. things we like and want to keep around and things that we want to work to rid from our lives. something i'm beginning to realize about myself: my tendency to be bluntly honest 99.9% of the time. i guess it's not all bad- so many people like to just dance around the obvious. but perhaps, i should work on saying things with a little more tact.

i'm going to miss rose's this summer. but who knows maybe i'll be back there after camp? life post august 17th is all kind of up in the air. this sounds familiar. kind of like last year where i had no idea what i was doing and then ended up in nicaragua. who would have ever thought it? certainly not i. all i know is that the fall will bring the start of my last year of college. who knows where i'll be living? portland, vancouver? apartment, family's home, some random basement by hawthorne? i really have no idea. and am open to see what God's got planned.

here's to hoping the next three weeks fly by. kazam's about to be back in business. pray for campers that will come to camp tadmor this summer, especially those who will be in my cabin. pray for relationships among staff members. pray for a time of growth and movement by the Holy Spirit for everyone at camp.

a rather unproductive procrastination...

deuteronomy 32:12-12

"He was like an eagle hovering over its nest,
overshadowing its young,
Then spreading its wings, lifting them into the air,
teaching them to fly.
God alone led him."

it is evident that God is the only one leading me right now as i never in a million years could have predicted where i would be today... He is teaching me everyday how to fly and spread my wings so that i might accomplish the plans He has for me and my life.

never would i have thought that i would be living back with my parents in vancouver, and yet here i , sitting at the kitchen table. never would i have thought i would have started at WWU and not finished there, and alas, here i am at PSU. never would i have thought that i would ever take a break from school, and yet when i did and travelled to nicaragua, my whole worldview shifted in a mighty way.

each and every day, i am just amazed to see the changes that are occuring in my life. sure there are the obvious changes, like the fact i moved back into my high school room and go grocery shopping with my mom on the weekends and am working two jobs (at roses and ole ole), but more than that, are the not so obvious changes and the ways that God is shaping me. the way my personality is changing and my priorities are being molded to be more like those of my heavenly Father.

why is it that we view change as such an awful thing and so desperately cling to that which is familiar and known to us? God can not stretch me and grow me into the woman He wants me to become if i am stuck in a place where i am comfortable and have no need for Him in my life. He stirred things up in my life and although there are times when i am so downtrodden with a weary soul, i know deep down in my soul that this is all for the best. He may have shut that door, but all I can do is have faith that He's going to open a bigger and better one for me.. He will bring an opportunity to my life where I can excel and serve Him even better with all the skills, talents and passions He has placed in me. i for one know that i didn't just wake up one and choose to have a passion for spanish and those who speak it...

Never thought I would enjoy being here, but as strange as it is to say it, i'm quite content with where God has me right now. putting aside a few minor details.

looking ahead... midterms are over. 5 more weeks in the quarter and then i'm one year closer to being done, whatever that actually means. 36 more days until i leave for camp tadmor. i am looking forward to that with all my heart. i just wish i felt more prepared. or maybe it's a good thing to go not feeling completely prepared b/c that forces me to rely on God and His strength alone. kind of nervous about doing lost dogs instead of counseling. looking for housing in portland for the fall and next year b/c i'm tired of spending two hours of each day with the most sketchy people in portland on the max and bus (even though it is good practice to eavesdrop on all the people speaking spanish and it also is a good time to see just how badly people are hurting today and how much they need the love of Jesus). am i really ready to live in an apartment on my own? kind of nervous about that too. and sad about living by myself. but it will work... wanting to go back to nicaragua so badly, but just waiting for His perfect timing.

oh yes. back to that research paper i'm so good at procrastinating on...

life update...

wow. i cannot believe that i have already been home long enough to complete a whole quarter of school. that's almost three months that i have been back from nicaragua and back in vancouver. it's crazy because all of the things that i was worried about- God has taken care of them. he is so good to me. his word stands true yet again...

" do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear... who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? and do not set your hearts on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. for the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. BUT SEEK HIS KINDGDOM AND THESE THINGS WILL BE GIVEN TO YOU." luke 12:22-31

job- was hired within two weeks of being home at rose's restaurant/bakery. and just found out today that i'm being promoted from bakery girl to server. what a blessing. and then just last week, got another job downtown at a mexican restaurant a few hours a week.

school- finishing up quarter number 1 at PSU. i really am enjoying it and the diversity it brings. it is so different from WWU, namely in the student population. the average student is like 25 and has other things going on besides school. it's nice b/c most people actually want to be there rather than feeling like they have to be there. transferring there for good to finish up my spanish/latin american studies degree. if all goes well, i'll be ready for graduation spring 2009! yay!

friends- God has been bringing so many people into my life- new and old and how great that has been. i have been able to connect with some people who were big parts of my life before i left vancouver, but am also meeting some new folks in random ways. i think that has been one of the hardest parts about being here. in bellingham, i had my whole social network already all figured out and here, i am starting from square one again, but slowly but surely, it's working out.

church- i think this was one of the biggest concerns i had coming home as i feel kind of "churchless" when it comes to me and vancouver. the church i grew up going to just doesn't feel like that's where God would have me. so, i have been trying out some different ones and trying to get a feel for one where i can get more plugged in permanently and have it be my church. one really unexpected community has been found in "the way" on friday nights in portland. what a mindblowing gathering. like 1000 young people gather together for the sole purpose to worship jesus, when they could be out doing so many other things. that just encourages my soul. the Lord definitely is moving in that community and i have been touched the times that i have made the drive to go.

next quarter will be busy, as i'm taking 17 credits and working two jobs. but i'm excited about it. i'm commuting still, which is hard and time consuming, but definitely saves me a pretty penny and keeps my stress level much lower.

prayer requests:
- chances to witness to my co-workers many of whom are spanish speakers. what a great opportunity i have to practice talking about jesus in spanish! (and in English to my other co-workers)
- an opportunity has come up for me to potentially live in a house next year with other christians. a couple working with chi alpha campus ministries has a heart to start a communal house. there is a gorgeous 1900's victorian style house like two blocks from campus that is for sale. pray for money so that we can put the $200,000 down payment to secure the house if this is what God would have us do. what a great chance this would be for me and others to live alongside one another, and learn and encourage each other in our walks with the Lord.

back to the real world...

well, here i am back in the states where the showers are hot, the rain is falling, the fruit is not fresh and way overpriced, taxis are practically nonexistent, spanish is hard to find, and my house is surprisingly calm without my crazy 19 nicaraguan sisters running around, screaming and singing. let me tell you, i felt more overwhelmed in fred meyer than i did in the biggest market in central america... i am still in awe and overwhelmed thinking of all that happened over the last three months, but this verse comes to mind, when people ask how my time was:

"I will not venture to speak of anything except what Christ has accomplished through me." Romans 15:18

even though i can't see it all right now and might never be able to, i am convinced that the Lord had his way in and through me while i was down in nicaragua, through my relationships, interactions, and conversations with people that i met, worked with, and lived alongside.

my mom and i had a wonderful trip to costa rica, where we were able to celebrate christmas and the week after with volcanoes, tropical weather, exotic birds, pesky monkeys, active volcanoes (Poas and Arenal), waterfalls, dolphins, snorkeling, surfing lessons, ziplines, and hot springs. the country, even though it is the direct neighbor to nicaragua, couldn't have been any different. the ticos and nicas are obviously different, but manage to convey the same friendly, warm Central American feel. costa rica has figured out the whole tourism thing and are benefiting from it in a big way, while people in nicaragua are struggling to live just barely at the poverty line.

here are some pictures from our trip:

me attempting to surf the pacific!

enjoying a mai tai w/ my mom at the tabacon hot springs

a stunning monarch butterfly

the poas volcano

taking a dip in the hot springs of the arenal volcano

the oxcart factory in sarchi where they paint the colorful wheels

before our snorkeling adventure w/ our new friends

a white faced monkey

sunset our first night in costa rica

before the 12 cable zip line that we did!

and now that i'm back from my trip, real life calls. i will be living at home in vancouver w/ my family as i am attending 2 classes at Portland State University (PSU) about spanish lit and history of central america. i will be finding a job and hopefully volunteering in several places to fill my time. it will be quite the change from being at school in bellingham and definitely different from life the last few months, but i'm looking forward to being w/ my family and seeing what God's going to do! i have a feeling that 2008's going to be a good one...

a-dios nicaragua...

well, here i am. 48 hours before i leave this country and all that my time here has been. and just as it is near the end of any experience, it's bittersweet. on one hand, i am so excited to see my mom on monday and am looking forward so much to our fun adventure in costa rica, but at the same time, my heart is breaking in half thinking about leaving all these girls. as much as it feels like none of the girls will even notice my absence, i have to remind myself that's a lie i'm telling myself to discount my time here and any impact i might have had in the lives of the people down here. today, at least 5 girls have asked me when i'm leaving and the next question is always, when will you come back to see us? one girl told me that she doesn't want me to go (no quiero que te vayas...). even though it feels like i haven't "done much" with these girls in my time here, i am slowly starting to realize that just by being here and living with them for these almost three months is where my impact lies. it is the countless games of UNO, the conversations under the stars to pass time during power outages, and watching numerous Disney channel movies in Spanish (and let's just say that now i can sing all the songs from high school musical 2 sadly!). eating with the girls, taking some of them on my morning walks, and living with them. being there for the yelling, the tears, but also for the smiles, songs and laughs. these things might not seem much to anyone else, or even to me, but the relationships that i have established with the girls here are irreplaceable. they have taught me so much about teenage girls (and how tumultuous those years can truly be) and i have learned so much about what the absence or presence of love and affection can do in the life of a child. the lessons have been countless and i think i will be able to process them better once i get back to the states- as one friend told me, it's hard to get perspective on something while you're in it. and if nothing else, when i leave, i am sure that there will be no singing in the shower and no one will be jumping at the chance to make tortillas (those were my territory!)

i'm just praying that as i go back, i can see where God wants me to go next. where will i live and what will i do? vancouver, bellingham, somewhere completely different? work, classes, what? one thing is for sure- i have definitely been changed by my time here and i have no doubt that the people i love have also changed. i only hope we can understand each other and have the patience to hear about all the things that God has done in our physical absence.

this verse sticks out to me: "so please don't, out of old habit, slip back into being or doing what everyone else tells you. friends, stay where you were called to be. God is there. hold the high ground with him at your side." 1 corinthians 7:24 (message)

taking this trip was a challenge from day one- trying to figure out where to go and what to do, but more than that, realizing that it was ok to break the mold from what everyone else was doing or telling me to do. and now, at the end of it, i'm still alive and perhaps better off than where i started. i just hope that i can continue to walk completely in HIM, following where He is calling me, no matter what the world thinks about it. i am His disciple and because of that, I am called to leave all behind me, whatever that might look like.

one more thing before i sign out. ever notice that the word ADIOS (spanish for goodbye) sounds an awful lot like A DIOS (spanish for to God)? to me, that has some significance because it's almost as if we are acknowledging God's existence and power in our lives everytime we say goodbye. almost as if we are reminding ourselves and others that to Him and to Him alone be the glory today and always. or perhaps, that's just me and my over thinking things because i have way too much time on my hands down here. but anywho, i think it's something good to think about (whether you agree or not). and with that, i say goodbye.

adios nicaragua y nos vemos. gracias por todo.

me and luz, making our christmas cookies last week...